Quotes and quips from the famous, not-so-famous, and anonymous.
A comfortable old age is the reward of a well-spent youth.
Instead of its bringing sad and melancholy prospects of decay, it would give us hopes of eternal youth in a better world.
– Maurice Chevalier
All diseases run into one, old age.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
A good upbringing means not that you won’t spill sauce on the tablecloth, but that you won’t notice it when someone else does.
– Anton Chekhov
“Life is not all fun and easy going. Far from it; there are many rough times. But, sadly, we too often let the hard times dull our enthusiasm. And that is dangerous, if not fatal, to our lives.”
– Norman Vincent Peale (So put on a happy face! )
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.
– Phyllis Diller
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory…I forget the other two.
– Red Skelton
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
– Oscar Wilde
Any idiot can face a crisis – it’s day to day living that wears you out.
– Anton Chekhov
Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
– Lewis Grizzard
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?’
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon.
Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W.C. Fields
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty; but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
Children Writing About the Ocean. . .
If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Alex, age 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.
Give me a sense of humor, Lord;
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.